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29 November 2006

the splits are frightening

traveling in a fried out combie on a hippie trail head full of zombie.

i have approximately two point five hours before mike arrives in the flatbed, so what better time to detail the marathon day? one hundred and thirty-eight point nine miles into the ligonier to boston journey on this day, the twenty-ninth day of november, two thousand and six, the white phantom lost power and slowed to a stop on interstate eighty east, approximately thirty miles from the intersection with two hundred twenty north. it is here that i sit and wait. my return to boston will be delayed by at least two days it seems by a return to ligonier. fortunately, it's warm today, a bit wet, but there is a large sheet of phantom metal preventing the wet from hitting me, and i have an unopened package of spk right next to me. no point in being upset; these things work themselves out.

i wrote this on 13 september 2006:

it was while inches away from the faded ink on the parchment of the unanimous declaration of the thirteen united states of america that the feeling came back.

it had happened so quickly and i hadn't realized. in three months, i'd fallen back into rotation. back into routine. back into back to back.

i was angry that i'd allowed it to happen.

justice and i were back on the road on friday 08 september 2006. 474 miles from boston to washington dc where inches away i saw the original parchment of the declaration of independence, the constitution, and the bill of rights. on saturday night i was in lewisville, north carolina, excited to see jenn and james. on sunday i ran fifteen miles. my life isn't quite a normal one right now, and while mostly good, when surrounded by the stability of houses and steady jobs, i wonder about those things again and think i want them.

thoughts of phantom metal and justice brought me to this unposted passage and i think i should touch on it. i have a struggle within right now. two related struggles. it takes effort, conscious effort, to keep from falling into the rut in the road i'm running. the road which most of us are running probably. this is something old to me, and something new, and i'm not quite sure how to handle it. and now, the road splits into a billion more right in front of me. my savings are depleted at long last (which reminds me of this) and i can no longer drone along. finances have shocked me back into reality as i knew they eventually would and have dictated i pick one of the splits ahead. and so do i choose to continue the adventure or do i try to stabilize my life?

for the past few months i've contemplated applying to a program which would allow me to travel to japan to assist high school english teachers... but as time drew near to filling out the application and requesting letters of recommendation, i found my desire to spend another year abroad waning. i'd been having a daily debate with myself about whether the japan project would be a way to embrace life or a way to avoid it. the recon tour last year was clear to me; this was not. i eventually made a concrete decision not to apply, deciding that i was running from reality, and instead to walk towards a picket fence future... not like you're probably thinking, but something similar. walk, not run. not a very excited walk i'll admit. i'm not sure if that was the right decision, and it's a bit frightening. the splits are frightening. i'm not sure if they are for everyone, and i've improved a bit with handling them, but not quite as much as i'd have liked, and i think i just need to accept that i'll always be a bit frightened. but when i look behind me, all of the changes have been good. i think every single one.

so, i want to do some good on this earth.

i'm still sitting in the phantom waiting.

and this wasn't much about the marathon.

posted by paul on Wed 29 Nov 2006 at 15:22:17 est (-05:00)


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