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19 November 2007

the canary in the coalmine

crest® makes 46 different types of toothpaste. i know this because i just spent a considerable amount of time extracting the name of each from the crest® website. i consider this an early indicator of global disaster.

baking soda peroxide whitening with tartar protection
barbie® burstin' bubblegum
burstin' bubblegum
cavity protection cool mint gel
cavity protection regular paste
cinnsational swirl
crest maximum strength sensitivity original formula soothing whitening paste
crest maximum strength sensitivity protection extra whitening
crest maximum strength sensitivity protection whitening plus scope
dual action
extra whitening paste
kids' crest cavity protection sparkle fun
multicare cool mint paste
nature's expressions citrus clean mint
nature's expressions mint + green tea extract
nature's expressions pure peppermint fresh
pro-health clean cinnamon paste
pro-health clean mint paste
pro-health night toothpaste
rejuvenating effects gel
rejuvenating effects paste
sensitivity protection extra whitening
sensitivity protection whitening plus scope minty fresh
sesame street kids' cavity protection
spider-man super action liquid gel
tartar control whitening plus scope cool peppermint liquid gel
tartar control whitening plus scope minty fresh liquid gel
tartar protection fresh mint gel
tartar protection regular paste
tartar protection whitening cool mint paste
vivid white invigorating mint
vivid white night revitalizing mint
whitening expressions cinnamon rush
whitening expressions cinnamon rush liquid gel
whitening expressions extreme herbal mint
whitening expressions extreme herbal mint liquid gel
whitening expressions lemon ice
whitening expressions lemon ice liquid gel
whitening expressions refreshing vanilla mint
whitening expressions refreshing vanilla mint liquid gel
whitening plus scope citrus splash
whitening plus scope cool peppermint paste
whitening plus scope extreme cinnamon ice
whitening plus scope extreme mint explosion
whitening plus scope minty fresh liquid gel
whitening plus scope minty fresh striped paste

posted by paul at Mon 19 Nov 2007 at 02:06:47 EST (-05:00) | comments (5)

11 November 2007

the eleventh of november

for those who have fought to protect our freedom and the freedom of others, i salute you.

posted by paul at Sun 11 Nov 2007 at 12:29:57 EST (-05:00) | comments (0)

10 November 2007

superstore stampede kills shoppers! pow!

posted by paul at Sat 10 Nov 2007 at 13:28:34 EST (-05:00) | comments (0)

08 November 2007

drug-tainted toys put kids in comas! pow!

posted by paul at Thu 08 Nov 2007 at 01:41:09 EST (-05:00) | comments (0)

05 November 2007

the appreciation is endless

: you arrive at the front of the checkout line and lay your two items on the counter. the clerk looks at you, smiles, and asks if that will be it. you contemplate the other items in the store. did you miss something? _will_ that be it? is there something more? _could_ there be something more? what else does the clerk have? you smile and nod your head. yes, sir, that will be it. i appreciate this phenomenon.

: you are two hours into a no limit texas hold 'em tournament. each black chip is worth 100 betting units. one player throws out three black chips and announces his bet, "300." the chips land in close proximity to each other, but none are touching. all three lie flat on the table. the player to his left glances down at his cards, stares for five seconds at the three black chips lying on the table, and then looks up at the dealer and asks "how much?". i appreciate this phenomenon.

: you are standing at the deli counter at your local supermarket waiting to order 0.680388 kg of boar's head brand mesquite smoked turkey and 0.453592 kg of swiss cheese. there is one other customer at the deli counter who is already being helped. no other customers are around the deli counter; in fact, no one else is remotely near the deli counter. it is just you and the other customer. the second deli counter worker approaches you, stares directly at the ceiling, and announces in an elevated tone, "next in line." i appreciate this phenomenon.

posted by paul at Mon 05 Nov 2007 at 22:26:16 EST (-05:00) | comments (0)

03 November 2007

i appreciate these phenomena

: the traffic light turns from red to green but the driver of the lead vehicle isn't paying attention. seconds pass as the drivers behind him wait patiently. the lead driver eventually looks up and sees the green light. rather than accelerate at a normal rate, he accelerates at twice the normal rate, leaving those behind him to contemplate the shattered state of their secondary and insignificant lives. i appreciate this phenomenon.

: everything and everyone associated with ramming bumpers including but not limited to vehicles equipped with ramming bumpers, owners of vehicles equipped with ramming bumpers, and those who install ramming bumpers. http://bumpers-4you.com declares, via copy and paste to globalrecon.org:

Bumpers enhance and protect your truck. Our featured truck and SUV bumpers have the following excellent features:

» Adds a touch of attitude style to your front end
» Versatility to hold auxiliary lighting or a winch
» Stop low-speed impacts from causing thousands in damage
» Prevents stray shopping carts and careless drivers
» Various shapes and sizes designed around your vehicle

Keep in mind that bumpers are all the same. So, an intelligent decision is required for you to come up with the right buy! We can help you. Call us now!

unfortunately, they've missed the most important feature of the ramming bumper which is, of course, the ability to ram the shit out of other vehicles on the highway. texans are big on ramming bumpers and i appreciate this phenomenon.

: my presumption that most owners of pick-up trucks, especially those who have installed a tarp-like snappable cover on their pick-up truck bed, utilize the beds of their pick-up trucks for hauling anything which would not just as easily fit into a typical car trunk or back seat approximately one day out of each year. i appreciate this phenomenon.

posted by paul at Sat 03 Nov 2007 at 05:02:25 EST (-05:00) | comments (2)